Rambling Thoughts of a Sleepless Ms. Lori

"Wow. I can't believe I'm not sleeping."

"Oh, who am I kidding? Of COURSE I can."

"What is this -- like, the ninety-fifth night in a row? The one hundred and tenth?"

"Larry King sounds like he has a corncob stuck in his windpipe."

"Holy God! Do I have lice?!"

"What if I were to scratch my itchy cheek right now, and my fingers make contact with something leggy and kind of big? Something that feels black?"

Vivid mini-movie of me jumping out of bed and slapping at my own face, spider bits flying everywhere.

"I won't scratch my cheek."

"Lar's nose is whistling WAY too fucking much."

Vivid mini-movie of Lar's nose prancing in a field of wild flowers. It suddenly sprouts two tiny white wings and sails over a meadow, then disappears into a dark, foreboding forest.

"I made the best strawberry shortcake today."

"BISQUICK!"

"Okay. Today's gonna be busy. Gotta do the second lice treatments on everyone, gotta clean everything AGAIN. Gotta wash all the bedding, gotta vacuum the furniture, the mattresses. AGAIN."

"I hope the neighbors didn't hear me screaming at my whore vacuum cleaner yesterday."

"I should keep the windows closed when I vacuum."

"My burn hurts. Why, oh, why did I feel it necessary to rest my forearm on the inside door of a 425 degree oven?"

"Because I'm tired, that's why. Unbelievably tired."

"The name 'Jonas Salk' tastes like orange Jujy Fruits and talcum powder."

"I can't believe Lucy crapped in the car."

"See, that's why I prefer cats. Cats do not crap in the car."

"But they do, on occasion, crap by your foot while you're doing dishes at the sink, because they are really, really mad at you."

"Ohmygod! Sapphire is sooooo cute!"

Vivid mini-movie of Sapphire's face floating before me -- no body, just her head. Her cuteness is almost too much to bear, and I bite her on her sweet pink nose.

"Where's my cat? I want my cat!"

"Ah, it's five a.m., and here comes the boy, right on schedule."

"Great. He's picking his nose. I can hear it."

"I shan't sleep a wink."

"There are probably boogers on the sheets now."

"I'm glad the boy is over on Lar's side of the bed."

"Coffee."

"Boogers."

"Coffee."

"Cigarette."

"I'm outta here, man."