As many of you already realize, I’m currently in the throes of a particularly nasty case of PMS. This fact might be too much information for some, but I believe it is my duty as Queen of the Universe to embrace the topic of premenstrual suffering with an eye toward male understanding, perhaps demystifying this Biblical phenomenon for the dudes out there who may on occasion find themselves Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered by their women at certain times of the month. One day she’s an angelic goddess, playful, sexy, a hair-tossing nymph with twinkling eyes, and the next a demonic Lilith who wishes to hurt you, slap you in your poor, confused face, say mean things like, “I hate your guts and pray that your bowels become blocked, your lips dry up and fall off your stupid face, your nose swells and elongates to the point of obscene proboscis monkey-like proportions, and your manhood shrivels in on itself and is absorbed by your body.” Things like that.
I understand completely your alarm and bafflement, gentlemen. Truly, I do. So, with the unwitting help of my husband, I’ve decided to list a few helpful hints that may guide you through this difficult time, and may even help your lady beat back Lilith, send her back to the Dark Place where she belongs. Unfortunately, Lilith never totally goes away, but with your loving persistence, it is possible to expel her to the Bad Realm, if only till the next month. So, without further ado, I present to you...
Five Surefire Ways to Banish the Lilith!
1) At the first sign of PMS, immediately begin speaking in a soft, high-pitched tone. Forget about sounding manly during this time, throw all thoughts of machismo out the window, and adopt a feminine, childlike voice, very quiet, very empathetic. Yes, I am completely serious here. The falsetto approach, combined with phrases such as: “Would you like a cup of tea, bunny-nose?” and “Oh, I’m sorry your head and back are killing you, sweetie -- here, let me rub your shoulders.” and “It must be so difficult to be a woman, honey. Guys have it so damn easy.” (With the last statement, if you shake your fist to the heavens and cry “Why, God, why? Why must my queen suffer so?” I guarantee you will get laid that night.
2) Offer chocolate, morning, noon and night, if possible. I suggest you keep a substantial stash on hand, just in case.
3) Make an effort to help with child-rearing, remove children from the home for a few hours, take them to McDonald’s so your lady won’t have to cook, but you’d better bring back a large order of fries or your good deed will be for naught.
4) Do not stare at the enormous growth that will inevitably pop up on your lady’s chin. If she laments over the unsightly boulder, behave as if you don’t know what she’s talking about. Smile -- nay, laugh -- and say “Are you kidding me? I see nothing but gloriously smooth skin. In fact, I was just thinking how you’ve been looking especially dewy lately.”
5) If you simply must bother your lady for sex during this time, I highly encourage you to use bribery. Some women might be wooed by promises of new shoes, some may swoon for jewelry, and then, if you’re lucky, there are women like myself who will whore for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (all the fixings must be included in the deal). Lar used the KFC bribe just this morning, and as expected, he went to work a happy man, and I sent Lilith packing for the day, visions of crispy drumsticks and hot, flaky biscuits smothered in gravy dancing in my head.
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