The Bra That Never Was

Cast of Characters

Child Lori: Terrified, slightly geeky young girl
Mom: Attractive, early thirties, mouth like a sailor
Asshole #1: Store detective, heavyset, sweaty
Asshole #2: Store detective, thin, Barney Fife-ish
Adult Lori: Unbelievably intelligent, movie star type, may be in early forties, looks early twenties, holds bottle of vodka
Cop: Handsome rookie, good natured, rocks a bemused expression
Flustered J.C. Penney Store Manager: Flustered J.C. Penney manager

(Center stage, green spotlight on Adult Lori)

Adult Lori:
(Speaking in subtle yet annoying Raaaaychester accent): When I was eleven, I was accused of stealing a bra. Brand and style unknown. Details are fuzzy due to trauma and a million years of time, but I clearly recall two store detectives leaping upon my mother and myself as we exited the store. Both were male, both had incredibly asymmetric features and bad breath. One took hold of my mother’s arm, the other took hold of mine, and they grilled us, right there on the strip mall sidewalk. It was sunny, I think. Or perhaps it was rainy.

(Adult Lori exits stage right)

(Full stage lights)

Asshole #1:
Ma’am, is this your daughter?

(Wary, Mom nods, puts protective hand on Child Lori’s shoulder)

Asshole #2:
Are you aware that your daughter took a bra from J.C. Penney?

Mom:
(Smiles, laughs nervously) Lori?

Child Lori:
What? (Looks down at flat eleven-year-old chest) Why would I take a bra?

Mom:
There’s some mistake…

Asshole #2:
No, no mistake. We’d noticed your daughter behaving in a suspicious manner near the fifty percent off bra bins, and…

Child Lori:
(Tearing up, lip trembles) Moooommmmyyyy!

Mom:
(Shakes arm free from Asshole #1’s grip) Fuck off!

Asshole #1:
Ma’am, please control yourself or we'll be forced to involve the police.

Asshole #2:
We clearly witnessed your daughter fondling the bras then stealthily tucking one beneath her shirt.

Mom:
Go to hell, Wilber.

Asshole #1:
Ma’am, I’m afraid this will be our last warning.

Mom:
(Mom, ever the dilettante, flicks her cigarette at the foot of Asshole #1) Stupid Picasso-looking assholes!

Asshole #1:
Ma’am, you have received your last warning.

Child Lori:
Woooo! Wahhhhhh!

Asshole #2:
Young lady, tears won’t get you out of this mess.

Asshole #1:
(Grabs Mom’s arm again, forcefully) Manager would like to speak with you. Now!

(Passersby enter stage right, gawk, whisper amongst themselves, exit stage left)

(Mom and Asshole #1 exit stage left)


Asshole #2:
Your mother will be right back -- she’s going to speak with the manager for a bit.

(Beat)

Asshole #2:
(Conversational, phony-friendly tone) So, uh, do you have a boyfriend?

Child Lori:
(Confused, blushes, kicks foot) No. Well, sorta.

(Asshole #2 crosses arms, apparently uncomfortable)

(Beat)

(Beat)

(Beat)

(Beat)

(Asshole #1 enters stage right, exchanges glances with Asshole #2, Asshole #1 gives short nod)

Asshole #1:
(Bright, forced tone) Okay! Please come with us, now.

(Takes Child Lori’s elbow, attempts to steer Child Lori stage left)

Asshole #2:
This will only take a few moments…

Child Lori:
Wahhhhhhh! Oh, WAHHHHHHHHHH!

Asshole #1:
You’re making an unnecessary scene, Lori -- it is Lori, right?

Child Lori:
Mmmmmm-OOOOOOO-mmmm-yyyyyyy!

(Cop enters stage right)

Cop:
Is this…?

Asshole #1:
Hello, officer. Yes, the mother is in the manager’s office at this moment.

Cop:
(Scratches jaw, appears perplexed) I see. Hmmm.

Asshole #2:
She stole a bra.

Asshole #1:
And the mother was verbally abusive!

(Lights fade, green spotlight focuses on Adult Lori as she enters stage right)

(Center stage)

Adult Lori: Twenty minutes pass, and I, after being forced to submit to a pat-down by a kindly old woman named Gert, was proven innocent.

(Adult Lori exits stage right)

(Full stage lights)

Flustered J.C. Penney Store Manager:
We understand that we will never be able to fully rectify this terrible, terrible mistake, Mrs. Howe, but please accept this one hundred dollar gift certificate with our heartfelt apologies.

Mom:
(Refuses certificate) Stick it up your giggy.

(Lights fade)

Child Lori:
Mom, what’s a giggy?

(Blackout)

And the crowd goes wild.