Goodbye, 2004, Goodbye. Don't Let the Door Hit You on Your Fat, Skanky Ass

Well, well. New Year's Eve is almost upon us -- my favorite time of the year.



Some of you may be thinking, But why, Ms. Lori? Why is New Year's Eve your favorite time of the year?.



So, for you beautiful, curious freaks, I have assembled a short list of reasons:



11) Booze.



2) Mad Cow Sticks (tiny tortillas wrapped around beef of questionable origin).



33) Stuffed mushrooms.



90) Port wine cheese slathered on fancy crackers -- crackers that are never, ever purchased any other time of the year due to their exorbitant cost.



7) Scary movies -- unfortunately (or fortunately, depending) half of which are not watched because I’m busy laughing at my husband’s antics, such as his “blind boy from Deliverance” impression, and his always sensational “Hi, I’m a dorky yet ruthless slumlord” impression. Wait, scratch that one -- he really is a dorky yet ruthless slumlord. Never mind.



19) The ball. You know what I’m talking about. It’s so much more than a glittering metaphor; it’s literally getting rid of the old, as Dick Clark knows all too well. -- it’s a well-kept secret, one that I’m privy to, that Mr. Clark loses five old years as the new one emerges. By the time 2015 rolls around, Dick Clark will be hosting the show in Pampers and footie jammies, his toothless mouth gumming the microphone as he babbles nonsense talk to the crowd. All hail Baby Dick!



76) Drunken sex. Nothing more sublime than goofy, drunken sex at 2:00 a.m. I think that this year, I’ll dress up as Martha Stewart and Lar can be the sadistic, grossly unattractive warden. Yee haw!



Die, 2004, year of hell, year of shit! Die!



Happy, happy new year, everyone!