From the Mouths of Babes & Idiots

1. "Mommy, why does the Queen look like a king?"

Well, son, because she has a terrible stylist.

2. "If I go poop in the potty for five hundred weeks in a row, will you buy me a computer? Oh, wait... [giggles] I would be a grandpa by then, wouldn't I"

Yes, you would. But you must continue to poop in the potty, whether you receive prizes or not, even for five hundred weeks in a row, or you may one day find yourself strapped to a wheelchair and shoved in front of a television, where you will only be allowed to watch The Price is Right.

3. "You know, Mommy, you should really try being a boy -- it's fun!"

Awesome. I'm so glad that you enjoy being a boy, honey. Now please take your hand out of your pants, remove your finger from your nose, stop kicking the cat, and go sit on the potty.

4. "A long, long, long, long, long, long, loooong time ago, why were white people mean to black people?"

Well, let's see...Maybe because the white people back then were assholes?

5. "Four dollars a gallon? Where'd you hear that? Some kinda goldang expert or sumpin'?"

Mr. President, I believe that I heard it from the ghost of Captain Kangaroo, who, unbeknown to many, was not only the beloved host of a longtime-running children's television program, but was also a brilliant economist.