As many of you know, I’m easily amused. Behold the top five things that amused me this week:
1) While enjoying a nice, quiet, pre-nap cuddle with my three-year-old son, he suddenly poked at my breasts and said “Mommy, you drink too much water!”
2) The fact that my next door neighbor’s three-year-old girl calls me “Larry.” I hear that married couples begin to resemble one another after a time, but honestly, Lar couldn’t possibly drink enough water…
3) The Dance of the Kowtowing Dreamer that my youngest daughter performed yesterday while begging me to allow her to go to Washington, D.C. with her friend. I told her no -- at first. I mean, come on, I‘m supposed to think it’s a wonderful idea for her to go to D.C. on an hour‘s notice? Her first trip away from home? To Satan‘s lair, no less? Uh uh. No way, chicken lips..But then she began the dance, and my goodness gosh, what a dance it was. She threw her bony little arms about and spun and sang a song of mommy worship that rivaled any begging song to date. It went something like this: “Please, Mommy, please/spin/ I want to go soooo bad/ May I go to Washington, please/ I promise to be good/ This is my biggest dream/ double spin, en pointe/ You are the best mommy/ clap / I love you oh so much/ spin, arm flap/ stops, looks directly in my eyes/ This is a wonderful opportunity for me, especially considering we never go anywhere.
Remember, kids, guilt is the most powerful persuader on earth..
4) When the Supreme Court ruled that the big G could snatch your property on a whim and use it for a parking lot, my eyes rolled back in my head, my body began to jerk spasmodically, and a horrendous laugh of the damned erupted from my wide-open mouth. Though I didn‘t find that moment particularly amusing, my husband sure did.
5) Don Rickles, man! Don fucking Rickles! On Leno! About damn time Leno gave props to the old school comedians. Don, in all his politically incorrect glory, showed him how it’s done. You go, you old, bald, cadaverous bastard, you!
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