Spyware Violates My Whore!

Humph. Been a very hard past couple of days, brothers and sisters. Been fighting persistent Satanic crap that was, as always, downloaded via my daughters' favorite kiddie sites, and let me tell you now -- I'm ready for my nineteenth nervous breakdown.



My computer never was one to run smoothly and nice-nice. My computer (who I've affectionately named Whore), tries her slutty best to get up off her back and do some work despite the fact she comes from bad blood -- the HP Pavilion family -- and wears dial-up rags instead of DSL couture, but my poor Whore is invariably knocked back down and ravished by spyware and the like every single time. I'm beginning to think she likes it.



Companies that force themselves on our Whores should be violated in return. It is a grave invasion of privacy, a serious, intrusive act that costs millions of us money, time, and sanity. It's not just the pop-ups or the fact that some of these bastards are able to track our every move, perhaps even gather personal and financial information that could be used for nefarious purposes, it's also what their products do to the well-being of our Whores. It makes our Whores skittish, untrustworthy, undependable -- they never do return to pre-assault behavior. Gang rape on a regular basis will do that, I suppose.



I'd like to see a law passed that punishes these violators but good. I'm appalled that their criminal, immoral activities have been allowed to continue thus far without serious repercussions. I propose that these behemoth pigs, who I always imagine as looking somewhat inbred with their crossed eyes and hanging noses, their lips dripping with shit, be subject to the following:



1) Immediate seizure of company assets

2) Public whipping

3) Public humiliation, which would include branding of foreheads with the word "Asshole," and, if male, forced Brazilian waxes. Female violators will be ordered to wear large black beards which will be sewn on offenders' chins by government sanctioned seamstress cum dominatrix.



I plan on writing my congresswoman, Louise Slaughter, detailing what I have just proposed, and I urge you all to do the same. If there is a God, my little fantasy will soon become reality.